Talkin’ Shit

We all do it.

Don’t lie.

But the issue that I have with it, is that we’re all going to gossip, and if you hear it you may tell your significant other. The issue that I have about it, is that when people talk about you but they don’t even know the situation.

Yeah, I know. It happens.

Example:

I have been babysitting for a family that is going through a really difficult divorce. Like the dad has the “divorced dad syndrome” where he wants to play favorites and then the kids act out – it happens. But…

I watched his kids for months and he still owes back payment on child support but tries to get me involved in court.

No. Stop.

I’m 24 going on 25 – and I’m not married. I don’t even live in the same zip code as you (Oklahoma has really weird zip codes, honestly, like Oklahoma City tries to buy all this land and then you have the other towns that just float in their own little islands. It’s so weird)

Sorry that this is really a venting post, but it irks me. I’m not in your life, and now I see the kids like once a month. Ughhhh <insert angry noises here>

People that go through divorces, are so brave. Especially when they get as messy as this. It amazes me how everything gets torn up and just cast to the side, and it scares me that marriages can go through this. If anyone reads this and you’ve been through a divorce, you’re awesome for surviving. Because, this is just way over my head.

Thanks for reading –

Kay

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Sabotage

Don’t sabotage people, it doesn’t end well, I’m not saying from personal experience. However, being on the end of sabotage is infuriating and destructive.

Not only are you throwing away your self-worth, but you’re also becoming a person of immaturity, and evilness, essentially.

I recently found out that a job that I applied for in August was sabotaged by someone I know, because they essentially didn’t want me to move on and be happy.

A couple things about that.

  1. Seriously, not cool. I was going to swear, but I’m trying not to on this blog. I don’t think people want the F word floating around on their feed.
  2. Why? I couldn’t even get a straight answer about it, it’s so infuriating and pretty much disgusting that someone would go to this level.
  3. I can’t even. Mind you I’m typing this after having digested this for a bit, but I’m angry, hurt, betrayed, and shocked. Maybe appalled is the correct word.

It almost makes me want to do something back, but I know that if I just cut the person out, I’ll be better off. I am also aware that I am taking a higher road out of this, and that is pretty mature for me, right about now, but also, I just don’t want to be in that level of toxicity.

I’m so done. It’s 2017 – let’s move on with our lives, and I’ll just cut you out. Nothing says “Bye” more than someone just cutting you out, and still being happy without you.

Essentially – I’m not going to sink to the level you tried to throw me on, I’m better than that. But a word, if I may, if something like this happens to you, no judgement from me if you want to be the mad human being and doing something in return.

But, for now, I don’t even want to be in the same room with this person. Talk about burning the bridge down and then turning around saying “I didn’t think that you would find out“.

I sincerely hope that there are better people in this world that wouldn’t ever do this to other people. I hope this is just a group of angry, hurt, and evil people who will not spread this around.

Sorry if this isn’t more of a vent-post. I just needed to express that there are better options, and please don’t be that person trying to sabotage others, because others may not be as clean and nice about it as me.

Thanks,

Kay

“You’re so real”

I have heard that phrase in my life way too many times.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually like hearing it, but it also gets old so fast. Do you have people in your life that are not real? That are fake and don’t really get it? If so, you may need to let them go, or how about you don’t tell me that I’m “so real” because believe me, I get it.

Things that I strive for, is to in fact, be real. I literally see no point in being fake to people. You don’t like them? Let them know. (you can be nice about it, you don’t need to be telling people off for no reason) You don’t want to do something? Let people know. You are irritated about something? Say something.

However, this normally happens when I’m overloaded with stress, or I’m just comfortable in my setting. In past posts, you know (because I have informed you) that I’m not always cool under pressure. My anxiety takes off and I’m freaking out – which is normal. Especially today, in our society.

Dealing with this phrase a lot, I’ve come to accept it, and as I’ve stated, I like hearing it. I just also wish that it could become a norm that people were this way. I shouldn’t have to be the only one who is going to tell it to you as it is. Not trying to be extra mean in this post, but others should never have to deal with people who aren’t who they claim to be.

For now, I am content with people telling me that they love my personality.

Thanks,

Kay

Pulling Off the Band-Aid

So, as I mentioned in my previous post (below and some posts from earlier) the best way of facing something is by mustering up your courage and ripping off that band aid as fast as you could.

(I originally meant to post this before I went on my trip on the 15th, so sorry that this is essentially a half-month late.)

I had been dealing with some people in my life that weren’t exactly good for me – as in I’d been taking a lot of their issues and combining it with my own. They were getting to the point where they were essentially toxic, but because I saw them frequently, I couldn’t get rid of them. And, I didn’t really know how to.

When I went home this last time, I was very, very ill. And while I did actually stress myself out to the point that I was ill, (if you remember my luggage fiasco and how it heightened my anxiety – yeah great times) I was fairly certain that I caught something.

So, I’m at home and stressing out because of everything going on and I’m too ill to return home on time, and my sleep schedule is getting all wacked out. As in, I’m sleeping at 3pm and waking up around 2 am, completely. And my mom was telling me that I told her that I would just continue sleeping it off.

Which is fine, but I wish that my sleepy self would wake up so that I could spend some time with her. However, I was sick, so it’s okay. It’s just one of those things that I think about when I’m home, “you could have spent more time with everyone“.

That’s another topic for later.

But I came home and I realized that I need to face my fears and just swipe that stupid Band-Aid that didn’t need to be there in the first place, and I did it. It just took enough stress for it to affect my body (I lost 12 pounds that week according to Weight Watchers) and for me to finally tell my parents what has been going on and just “come clean” with everything.

My advice to you, is when you start recognizing these signs, just deal with it. I know it’s hard to actually follow through with that advice, but it’s really important if you do. Not only will you create a better environment for yourself, but you will also not be stressed out to the point of illness.

Thanks as always, and happy New Year.

Kay

Giving & Taking

I’m sure all of you have seen an image like this before, or this image. And while, once again, it’s not mine, it’s pretty symbolic for me right at this moment in my life.

I’m thankful for the overnight work because it allows me to really think about what I want. I can see my career going in more than one path, and that’s more than okay.

But, it’s also made me think about how I always put what I want on hold. It doesn’t matter what it is, but I always tend to give up my time or my energy for people who just take, take, take.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it is absolutely fundamental for everyone to help out. If you help out someone in your life, you’re already being so much of a help, it’s unexpressionable. (Also, I’m sure that’s not a word, but oh well)

The moment you start to feel your life drain away, it becomes a problem.

For example,

I’ve been helping out a family going through a divorce this last semester. After many conversations with my boyfriend and my friends (who tend to notice that I’m overworking myself faster than I can) I’ve decided that it’s time to stop.

And the more I consider it, the more I realize that I’m 24 turning 25 in June. I have essentially a year and half left (less than that technically) where I lose health insurance. And, I need a full time job, because I would be able to support myself more. I would be able to actually save money. I have two degrees, and I know that if I wanted to (which I do) I could totally go out in the work force and make more money.

And another issue is that I’m too comfortable, it’s time that I essentially grow up, and take the next step.

There is nothing wrong with being a babysitter forever.

But, I no longer can spend time with my boyfriend, who I live with, because now I’m involved in another family. It’s time I stop living for others, and I live for myself.

However, I have yet to tell the family because I am traveling over the weekend (this is a queued post) and her last final (since she is still getting her bachelor’s degree) is on Thursday. I feel like we need to talk face to face, but I’m extremely nervous about the entire situation.

But that is literally for an entire other post.

More to come,

Kay

Working Hard

One thing that I would like to point out, is that it’s not too terribly difficult to work hard. And if you think it is, you’re probably in a different field than me.

I work at a library, so things are pretty different, and that’s okay. Also, I have an upper respiratory infection, it’s hard for me to breathe, and I’m at work.

Why may you ask?

Because I’m the only one covering my shift since my coworker quit. The new person starts Monday, which is good. But the first weekend that my coworker left me in the dust, I stressed myself out to the point of sickness. (yay) And now, I am literally trying to push on through, but DayQuil only does so much. That, and I really don’t want to like over-medicate myself, because I need to be coherent.

This post, is literally a shout out to the people who I know in my personal life, which is that I never want to hear anyone tell me that I don’t work hard enough.

Because once again, I’m sick, I feel like crap, and I’m at work.

I did this in retail too and one time my boss told me that I wasn’t working hard enough. It practically took every ounce of over-ridden self-control not to smack him. If I am not feeling well and I am at work, you are damn lucky to have me here.

Also, I can’t rest until Tuesday, so I really need to power through. Today was my day off and that’s when everything hit me like a brick wall, and I want to work tomorrow, though I’m sure if it got really terrible, I could just come home at five when my relieve comes in.

Amber (literally my work best friend now) will be in around five thirty, so at least I could have backup, but Sunday’s are my longest shifts of around 11 hours, and I enjoy working them, that way I don’t need to spend more than 3 days a week at work, and work at my other place of employment.

Well,

Kay.

P.S. I’m thinking of a better send-off at the end of this instead of being or mentally saying “Thanks for looking through my words and making me feel special.”

If I thought I was pretty enough, I would make a gif of me waving or something, but I don’t really know how to do that, to be fair. But seriously, finishing off this particular post, and I’ll be queuing or posting more (depending on how alive I feel) so I can have some sort of fluidity throughout the week.

And on a final note, about 23 days until I fly home (home is in New York, and I am in Oklahoma USA) for Thanksgiving. (Bye again)

Burning Bridges

How long can you keep repairing the bridge until you let it burn down again?

Is it worth repairing the bridge? Or are you the only one who wants to see if fixed? Or even still, was the friendship even real to begin with? If you’re unsure, then maybe it’s time you just let it go.

How long can you go on before realizing that the bridge you repaired was burned down by the other person?

Honestly, friendship is tricky. Especially with the expansion of social media, it’s insane how standards are different. I feel if you are in not constant contact with some, they just cut you off without saying a word. Or they cut off everyone you have in common with them, so they think that you won’t ever be in their lives again.

When someone burns the bridge, do you take them back?

Well, that depends. How many times have you done this? Like I mentioned above, is it worth all the hassle if you’re just going to continue ripping and decking what you have? Honestly, at this point, I would say no, because if it’s doing anything positive, than what’s the point?

Will you miss the friendship later on, and maybe wish things changed?

As one of my best friends literally told me:

I think the memory of the people we lose whether in good or bad situation will always haunt us in some way… Whether we curse their name at the mention of it or feel remorse when we hear or smell something that reminds us of them… they’ll always be a part of us because they helped us grow at some point. But I believe the best thing is to embrace those feelings and thank them for helping you become who you are whether it be today or tomorrow.

Isn’t he such a good friend though? Shout-out to him, Arran, you’re the best friend literally anyone could ask for.

What do you do in the meantime?

It’s like any relationship. Don’t dwell on it, and eventually things will move on, as if you were fine without them before. If it was meant to be, then things will work out. If you’ve moved on and just forget about, then you’ll know that it was meant to be.

Am I still salty about it?

Honestly, I’m slightly irritated about it, but not enough to go out of my way. If this is what is going to happen, I’m just giving up and I’m not going to try. I could go out of my way, but there’s no point.

What will I do if I run into said person again?

I may just ignore them, or just nod over to them. It’s unlikely that I will see them soon. And if I did, I don’t think that person would even say anything to me, considering that they hate confrontation.

Anyways,

Kay x